Logically, I know that sugar elicits a dopamine response in the brain. A feel good chemical. I also know that a chocolate craving is a nutritional cry for magnesium, a relaxing mineral. So, why do I need to feel good and relax? It's not like I have an extremely stressful life. However, the fight or flight response was definitely taking place, yet at a very subtle level. It was occurring at the THOUGHT level. My thoughts were paranoid, uneasy, upsetting and generally just making me feel bad. As I thought of certain people and situations, my whole body would tense up. I tried over and over again to justify the thoughts, understand them and look at the situation and circumstances with 'rose colored' glasses. The fact of the matter is, the situation I've been in just didn't feel good and my thoughts were telling me so. I ignored the thoughts, which filtered down into my body and this body of mine was looking for alignment, hence the chocolate chips. The body always tells the truth. After a while the habitual process of feeling bad begins to feel normal. Without the external signs of these chocolate chips and the numbers on the scale moving up, I might have been able to go on operating at this new baseline removed from alignment from Source. I might have been able to justify that I really felt fine, when in fact I didn't.
You can tell from my posts of late that I've been in a learning opportunity. Well, finally, I've recognized that I've learned all I need to know about these people and the circumstances. I've learned that it's not so much about saying good-bye to them as it is being firm with the boundaries of my position. God has asked me to do one thing and one thing only, yet I let others add to my general job description. Initially, I felt good. I was 'helping' and making a difference. The initial feelings of fame and glory because of the approval of others wore off quickly and I was left feeling 'bad'. My perception shifted from alignment of ease to alignment with dis-ease. Why? Because this was what the ego, the mind would have me do, not GOD. I firmly believe that when Jesus went into the desert for 40 days, he was not grappling with the figure of the devil as much as he was grappling with the trappings of the mind. The figure of the devil is easy to identify. Although, it is just a thought form generated by the mind. The struggle was just as much internal as external. Would we subscribe to the opinions of others for approval, an external sign that we are in alignment, or would we subscribe to how we feel?
If someone or something feels bad in any way shape or form, the test is not to ignore it, justify it or force the perception to be rose colored, but to RECOGNIZE it, accept it, and RELEASE it. This means that you feel the 'badness', you accept that it is what it is and then you can choose to 'read the sign' from the Universe that you don't belong here and release it. You can look at the truth of the situation or person and decide how you want to play in this scene. You can do what I did and allow the mind to be the master of my existence and play along in the sickness until I lost myself. When one's boundaries are weak, when the lines seem fuzzy, it is easy to loose oneself. Or, you can see it/them for what they are or what it is and just choose not to step in the sh*t. My mind had me believing I was 'saving everyone' when in fact, all I can do is save myself. That's all anyone can do. One could say, "Oh, Roberta! It's just your perspective that is wrong. Change your perspective and change your life." True, so true. That was me talking to myself. I tried that and guess what, it still didn't work. My compassion grew, my love and understanding grew and so did my affinity for chocolate chips! It wasn't until I stepped away and disentagled myself was I able to view it all with compassion. Again, a sign of where I need to be.
It's been months since I've experienced any kind of back pain and this week I felt it. There it was, my old friend yelling at me to wake up and pay attention! My boundaries had become fuzzy. I had taken on responsibilities that were not mine. All of a sudden, exercise took a back seat. There wasn't enough time to make a good meal, so I grabbed what was available. There wasn't enough time to talk to my kids because I had an important phone call or email to answer. The back pain, my old friend, was there to remind me how far off center I had come.
A dear friend gave me a CD called "Getting into the Vortex". The meditation, over and over again states that you are aligned with Source. It brought me back to myself. It showed me I was under the illusion of the mind and not led by the heart. The heart is the master and when the heart leads, it feels good. Life is filled with joy and unconditional love. When the mind leads, it can feel good initially, but becomes empty very quickly and the body seeks the 'feel good' in any way it can. In my case - chocolate chips were the answer.
Now, I wonder... How many of us are sick, in pain or overweight because we are trying to do and be something we are not, all to appease the mind's empty promises of fame and fortune? How many of us feel 'bad' because we are doing what others would have us do instead of what God would ask of us? How many of us are looking for the feel good, the alignment, the love and finding it in all the wrong places? I love fame and fortune, but not at the expense of my health. You see, when you are in alignment with God's Will for you, you can have it all without the expense of anything. If there is expense, there is mis-alignment.
Last night I raked leaves and pulled weeds in the light of the full moon and felt totally aligned with Source. I felt REALLY GOOD. There were no clever emails, strategies or designs. There was no occasion to dress up and be seen. There's no fame and fortune in weeds and leaves, but the feeling of alignment was worth more than all the money in the world. Peace, pure peace. And, I didn't eat one chocolate chip!
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