The small quiet voice of "This isn't right" kept coming up. I felt uncomfortable and couldn't justify it. I saw myself slipping into thought processes that were extremely negative. The wake up call came when I stopped being in the place of observation and started taking things personally. The dis-ease of the group consciousness had infiltrated. Feelings of disappointment, disgust, anger, frustration and isolation were taking hold. I was feeling victimized and judging another for their 'power trip'. Now I see, I don't have to participate. It's simple - just give it up and let it go. I don't need to define myself this way.
Those feelings are all SIGNS. Are they my typically way of existing? No. In order for me to stay within integrity and honor my value system, it means saying good-bye to the less than honorable system I've been a part of. If your intention is not in alignment with the intention of the leaders to which you follow, or group you are in, you may view them and their motives as 'bad'. I recognize that my values do not match theirs and therefore it would be better to let it go so that I can allow Creation in. It may mean saying good-bye to the institution itself, but that still remains to be seen. For now, the delicate removal of entanglement with dis-ease has begun.
For the past two days, I kept hearing, "Let it go." But, being ever so slightly dense these past two weeks, I didn't get it. Now I KNOW. It's time for ME to let go, to stop holding on. What, you ask, am I letting go of? I'm letting go of the head trip I've been in, the definition of myself through a clouded, unhealthy, fearful projection of peers; worry, anxiety, the perceived need to be a part of this group and drama. Oh God, am I letting go of drama! I'm letting go of depriving myself of the joy that is right in front of me. Does any of this sound familiar to you? When looking in the mirror, I almost didn't recognize myself. The changes have been so subtle and delicate that it would be easy to let it all take hold.
When I check in with myself, I can see that this is not what I signed up for. Although, it's been a great learning experience, it's time for me to honor the actual limits of my position and release what is not mine. How often do we start to feel responsible for others? We want the inside scoop to feel the power of the secrets we hold. This incessant need to be needed, to be defined, to feel important - when all of those definitions keep us separate from joy. As the process of disentanglement has begun and I can feel the cords of attachment slipping away. I can feel the peace of my true self rising to the surface.
I read recently that, "You are not the Messiah. It's not your job to save anyone." It's true. People are going to do what they do and think what they think. All I can do - any of us can do is be true to ourselves. TRUST that it's all good and it will all work out.
After letting go, I feel about 20lbs lighter.. Wonder if the scale will agree with me!
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